Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
