New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
