Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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