no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
