someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
