apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
