Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Randomize
