my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
