I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
