Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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