The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
