You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
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