I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
MIDGETS
????
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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