I love black thongs
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
