I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
