somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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