How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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