My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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