did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
