you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
