Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
