I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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