After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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