The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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