Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
