if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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