I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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