and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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