Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
