and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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