we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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