Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Randomize
