remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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