My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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