theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Still dying that you shit outside
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
