Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Randomize
