listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
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