This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
