Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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