I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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