loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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