six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize