It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
