Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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