You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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