I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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