I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
