i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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