It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
