that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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