I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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