he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
