I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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