they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
